Friday, July 24, 2009

Transformers : Revenge of the Fallen!



I know everyone is just dying to know what I thought of the new Transformers flick: Revenge of the fallen. Allow me to scratch that itch.

Let me set the scene as far as I personally am concerned. I loved the old Transformers cartoon when I was a wee lad, but I haven't seen them since then. I'm also pretty sure I once owned an Optimus Prime toy. I've gotten to be pretty far removed from those years, so any storylines or whatever from yesteryear I do not hold dear. As far as I remember, the cartoon was about a bunch of good robots led by Prime, who transformed into vehicles and fought a bunch of evil transforming robots led by Megatron and the movie keeps that idea going, so I'm okay with that.

So, let me start out with the bad.

THE BAD:

*Shaky cam. I've said it before, so allow me to repeat myself: I don't care for feeling like I'm in the "middle" of the action. I prefer to "watch" the action. So for crying out loud, pull the camera back a little! Michael Bay - watch some classic Spielberg action flick to see how it's done. Holy Crap! Spielberg was Executive Producer? Well, when the master is watching you work and you still pull that crap, maybe there's no help.

*Simplify the look of the robots. There's just too much going on with nuts, bolts and gears and crap. Too much for the eye to take in. The only way to tell which robot is what is what color they are. And I'm color blind.

*Shoulda cut out a bit of the Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum of gangsta autobots to concentrate on cooler autobots I could give a poop about.

*Trim some time off this thing. I had to pee really bad by the time the credits rolled.

THE GOOD:

*Turturro - I don't care how goofy John Turturro's Agent Simmons was in these two movies, the man made me laugh.

*Optimus vs. Several Decepticons in the forest. This is why Optimus is king.

*The humor is sometimes goofy, but it's what keeps these movies entertaining.

*LaBeof. He gets a lot of crap for being popular and in a lot of movies and it's true, he seems to play the same type of neurosis in all these movies, but it works for this one. I like him and his character and I won't apologize. So there.

*Flat out entertaining. There's a lot going on with this movie, and though there's a sequence here or there that could be trimmed, it keeps moving. A lot of action and humor and "Holy Crap that's cool" scenes rank it high on the entertainometer. Too me, that's the strongest point. You could nitpick this movie to shreds if you wanted to, but the entertainment factor overshadows. For me, it always does. Entertain me and I'm happy.

THE OVERRATED:

* Megan Fox. Okay, I'll give you that she ain't ugly, but c'mon. If it wasn't Michael By shooting her the way he does, she wouldn't make near the blip that she does. Besides, I would rather the return of the Aussie hacker gal from Part 1.

So all in all, I was quite entertained. This thing isn't gonna win any Oscars, but that's okay. It kept me in a good mood for 2 1/2 hours and you can't beat that. What can I say? Being easily entertained keeps me a happier movie goer.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

10 Good Guys You Do Not Wanna Mess With

Here is a list of 10 characters I wouldn't wanna get on the bad side of. These are good guys. .

10. The Bride (Kill Bill): Never, never, NEVER tick off a woman. Especially one trained in the most ancient of martial arts and spends more time with her sword than actual humans. You could send 20 well trained ninjas at her and in five minutes limbs, eyeballs and buckets of blood would be flying everywhere and she would still be standing there staring at you even MORE pissed off. Several people have done evil things to her. They all have one thing in common: their body parts are scattered to the four winds.

Do you really wanna go out with her?


9. Sayid (Lost): Would you like to be tied to a tree and have your toenails ripped off? Then I would suggest not getting on the bad side of our man Sayid. In fact, if he wants info from you, I would highly recommend you just be up front with him. Because, unless you are a creepy balloon guy, you WILL end up talking to him. All he needs is a screwdriver and some pepper juice and you'll be trusting him with your deepest, darkest secrets.

Will gladly shatter your thumb with a coconut after morning coffee.

8. John Rambo (Rambo): I should have to say no more. Bad guys just read his name on report and melt with fear. Once, a Russian General refused to leave his house because someone told him that Rambo was in the next town carrying his bow and arrow and everyone knows that Rambo could put the eye out of a gnat at that range. Bad guys are rightly frightened to wander out into the jungle for fear that Rambo could leap out of a puddle of mud and decapitate them with that 10 foot knife of his.

Make fun of my age and I'll give you a war you won't believe.

7. Wolverine (X-Men): He's got a temper and indestructible claws come out of his hands. Who would wanna mess with that? And to add to that, if you hurt him, he heals right up. That leaves you with a pissed off killing machine that you really can't harm. I would wager that if you were a bad guy and you woke up in the middle of the night to find that muttonchop framed face grinning down at you, you would need to change your underwear.

He even sleeps in a bad mood.

6. Superman (Superman): He doesn't have much of a mean streak, but you should fear someone who could knock you to Pluto with a flick from his pinky. I myself would be scared to face a dude who has bullets bounce of his EYEBALL. Unless I had Kryptonite, of course, but we all know how rare that precious stone is (Unless you live in the town of Smallville, apparently). Just refrain from harming his girlfriend, Lois Lane. He has been known to reverse time by spinning the world backwards and a guy who can do that you should never piss off.

I love America. Oh, and apple pie!

5. Anyone Played By Samuel L. Jackson: The steel in his eyes. The righteous furor in his speeches. If you were to look the wrong way at any character played by the great Sam Jackson, he would likely call you a MF and shoot you between the eyes, then continue on his way with one arm around the shoulder of his lady friend. He can do it all: Philosophizing hit man, Jedi Master, bad to the bone private detective; he's the only man to go to if you find your flight infested by bloodthirsty snakes. And if you're the bad guy responsible for putting those reptiles on the plane, don't be surprised if you find yourself hanging out the window of the plane with a snake as your noose as Sam Jackson kung fu's the rest of the snakes off the plane.

Don't matter what movie I'm in, I will *blank* you up!

4. Martin Riggs (Lethal Weapon series): This guy is simply insane. What normal person would talk a guy out of jumping off a building by handcuffing himself to that person then jumping himself with the guy in tow? No sane person I know of, but for Riggs, it's a normal day at the office. This guy is willing to dislocate his shoulder just to make a few bucks off his buddy cops and then laugh about it. All in all, not a guy you would wanna make your enemy, but if you ever need a friend who'll sit with you while you're on the pot with a bomb ready to go off the moment you flush, you'll find no better.

Wanna go bowling?

3. Aragorn (Lord of the Rings): Don't be fooled by his calm exterior and polite manners, this guy is quite capable of tearing your face off if he felt the need. Sure, until he was crowned, he was content to play second fiddle to Gandalf, but once it was time to go into battle and kick butt, he turned it on. Watch out if you happen to be an orc who's foolish enough to challenge Aragorn (aka Strider), you may find yourself standing in a pool of your own blood as your head rolls down a hill knocking other useless orcs down like mere bowling pins.

Some of my best friends are Hobbits. What of it?

2. Obi-Wan Kenobi (The Star Wars Saga): Jedi Knight who is fond of throwing down wise sayings as if they come second nature to him. Listen closely to these catchphrases, you may be able to unlock the secrets of whuppin' butt. This is a guy who will chop his buddy's legs off and let him take a lava bath for something simple as turning absolutely evil. He chopped another Sith Lord COMPLETELY IN HALF and is on record as having chopped at least too low-lives' arms off. Bottom line, mess with Obi-Wan Kenobi and you will likely end up dismembered in some painful way.

This geek put me in a top 10 list. Most charming.

1. Jack Bauer (24): I've only seen the first four and a half seasons of 24, but that's more than enough to know that I'm dealing with one cold blooded kicker of butts here. We're talking about a guy who will calmly feed you your brains after you literally torture him to death (Death can't stop Jack). His only concern is the safety of the USA and if you get in the way of that, prepare to be reduced to a bloodstain on the bottom of his patriotic boot. All I know is every January when you turn it on Fox and you see the commercials saying "Jack is Back", it's clear that some unsuspecting terrorist sap will be no more than a rotting carcass by June. The only weakness that he seems to have is his perplexing loyalty to that annoying, spoiled rotten ungrateful daughter of his, Kim.

I will eat your eyeballs and crap them down your throat to stop a terrorist.

First Ever Blog! Yippie Ki Yay!

Well, here goes. I've entered the blogosphere. What can this possibly mean? I've discovered new ways to improve your lives? That my genius ideas can no longer be contained inside my monstrous brain?

Nope.

Just means I've found yet another way to waste my time! ("Yay!" says my wife as the living room lights remain unchanged.)

I like movies, a bit of TV and reading here and there. And I would love nothing more than to bore you to tears with my whip smart observations on that which I have recently observed.

So, feel free to read and please take any and every opportunity to blast my opinions into smithereens!

(Assuming anyone is reading, that is)