Things I Notice in Kid's Entertaiment

You're probably wondering why a grown man such as myself is spending a lot of time on kids hows. Short answer, my daughter is 18 months old. In point: Yesterday I was sitting there watching The Librarian 2, which is nerdy, cheesy and awesome all at once when Allie starts getting a little fussy. Sondra is like "Can we put something on she can watch." So, this is my life.

As an adult, as I rewatch some of this stuff I remember from childhood, I've noticed a couple things that may have escaped my attention back in the day.

1. The Little Mermaid: Prince Eric is a bit of a himbo. He may have leading man looks, own a loveable pooch and surround himself with quirky servants, but clearly some of his tools appear to have gone missing from the toolshed, if ya know what I mean?

Yeah, that hottie? Evil witch in disguise. Genius.

2. Sesame Street: Couple of things on this gem.

A. When did the kid muppets overtake the street? I my not have watched it religiously, but I remember old faves like The Count, Oscar the Grouch, and Cookie Monster. Big Bird, who I always found the lamest (feel free to disagree with me if you like, lame-o), is still pretty prominent. But all the old favorites seem to have taken a backseat to the likes of Elmo, Zoey, Tully and something called a Baby Bear. All I can say is "C" is for Cookie and that will always
be good enough for me.

For a bear, not very terrifying.

B. If I were Bert, I would long ago had to have kicked Ernie's teeth in. All he does is cause that poor banana looking man grief.

Ready to shove that Rubber Ducky you know where.

3. Aladdin: So *this* is the Robin Williams I remember before he got kind of annoying.

He works better as a cartoon.

4. Toy Story: Still pretty awesome.

Buzz Lightyear is never not awesome.

Tattle Tellers Are Annoying

Tattle tellers are annoying, no matter what age they may be.

The other day I was doing a little outside work at the store. Off to the side a little ways, a truck was sitting in the fire lane beside the curb. I thought nothing of this, as many cars park there as customers run in and out real quick. This probably isn't the right way to go about your parking business, but I find it less annoying than the twenty two year old who thinks nothing of parking in the handicapped spot. I do notice, however, a stern looking dude standing beside the truck with his cell phone out taking pictures of the truck and, I'm assuming, it's license plate.

A woman approaches the man and is like "Um, excuse me sir, is there a problem?" He just looks at her with what I can only assume is a permanently engraved frown on his face and says "You're not supposed to park there." Then he briskly walks off. The woman kind of scratches her head, gets in her truck and moves it out into the parking lot while the man, I'm assuming, was going to send his pictures off to the authorities.

I was out there another half hour or so doing my thing as no less than three cars parked in that same spot with nary a sign of the Cell Phone Vigilante.

It got me thinking. I personally don't condone parking in spots that are forbidden or otherwise engaging in any activities that might be considered suspect that would, more importantly, separate me from what little money I have in my bank account. But tattletales kind of irk me. Like when I was in elementary school. The teacher would leave the class and some kid would
say something really dirty. Something that would just blow my sheltered mind through the outer atmosphere. But I would say nothing to the teacher; I would merely think "Holy *bleep*, he just said the H-E-Double Hockey stick word!" But there was that one girl. You know the one. The one who sits at the desk right in front of the teacher's desk. The one who reminds the teacher that we were supposed to have a quiz today. The one with her nose up in the air and the smug look plastered on her face. She tells the teacher. Yeah, nobody liked that girl.

When I'm trudging on along 635 and some idiot with a car that's not nearly as awesome as he thinks it is blows by me in the next lane doing 125 miles per hour, I may say to my wife "I wish there was a cop around here to show him what for!", but my first instinct is not to whip out my cell phone and speed dial the nearest Police Station to report that someone has the cojones to be speeding on the interstate. I'm just not that guy and it's hard for me to be in the mindset of that guy.

So yeah, unless something violent is happening to someone, I don't see it as my business to go around reporting on every little wrong thing I see someone doing. If the cops drive up and find you parked where you ought not to have been, well, you took the risk pal and it didn't quite pay off for you. That extra 20 steps you saved to run in and buy your 1.99 gallon of milk hardly seems worth it now that you have a 200 buckaroo fine staring you down. So good luck with that. Just know, I'm not the one who called the cops. It was the guy with the cell phone camera. Seriously, who died and made that guy Batman?

The Last Five Movies I Have Seen

On Facebook there was this Pick 5 app where you could pick the last five movies you have seen so everyone of your buddies know how bad your movie taste is. Since I did that and since I'm off work today and bored, I thought I'd expand on it a little. Without further ado: THE LAST FIVE MOVIES I HAVE SEEN!!!!

TWILIGHT

Ah, the much debated vampire movie based on that ever popular book series. Now, I'll be up front and totally honest with you: I had no desire to see this movie. Based on the previews, the plot and the, let's be honest here, overall demographic of fans (insane preteen/teen girls) of this series, I didn't think it was for me. But there's this guy I was working with at the time who assured me it wasn't nearly as girly as it was made out to be and I should give it a shot. So I did and, frankly, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Do I still get all the hoopla? Not really. I understand the Harry Potter craze (and still easily prefer the boy wizard over this stuff), but I just don't get the craziness surrounding this. The movie was entertaining and and well done for the most part, but if I were so inclined, I could probably rip it to shreds. But I found myself drawn into the story and the acting was decent enough, so it didn't bore me to tears for two hours. My main problem with it was there didn't seem to be much conflict until the end where it was as if the movie decided "Hey, we're making a movie about vampires here, we better have some bad guys fight some good guys", and seemed a bit rushed. Of course, this is just part one of a larger story, so I'm sure that plays into it, but I was just viewing it as one movie, not a part of a larger whole. Anyways, the movie was enjoyable enough that I'll probably check out the sequel but not mind blowingly awesome that I'll check it out the moment it hits theaters.

ADVENTURELAND

I've seen it said that this movie suffered from false advertising, and it most certainly did. The commercials and trailers told us to expect another wacky comedy in the vein of such films as Superbad and Knocked Up! Not that I saw those movies, but when I watched Adventureland, it was because I was in the mood for something funny and for better or worse, it wasn't exactly a comedy. More of a classic coming of age type movie where we meet all these characters working at the amusement park as they are at certain crossroads of their lives. With my background and the way I grew up, I didn't exactly relate to these characters a whole lot, but it was interesting to watch them deal with the things that popped up in their various experiences. I can see why critics loved this thing. But I thought it was well made, well acted and it did a good job of capturing it's time period (mid to late 80s) that brought to mind other movies that are age setting specific, such as American Graffiti or Dazed and Confused, and it fits well into that type of genre. Not what I expected, but I enjoyed it.

KNOWING

Another movie that turned out much different than what I thought going in. It's one that I can't really get into without ruining it for those that haven't seen it. We have Nic Cage and his son finding a page full of numbers from a 50 year old time capsule at the son's school. Nic Cage, being the brilliant mind that his character is, deciphers the meaning of these numbers and comes up with specific dates and victim numbers of catastrophes that happened on those dates. Every major catastrophe in the last 50 years is covered plus a few more dates yet to happen. Nic Cage and his hair decide that perhaps these catastrophes can be avoided with the prior knowledge of their occurrence. After a couple of really nifty disasters (the plane crash is really chilling), this movie in which Nic Cage and the daughter of the person who wrote the numbers fight to avert disaster takes a turn that takes the movie to a deeper, horrifying, more unpredictable and (in my opinion) much cooler place that leaves what went on up to the viewer and up for debate. I went into this movie thinking I'd like it, ended up liking it a lot.

DOLORES CLAIBORNE

Based on the novel by Stephen King and staring Kathy Bates, this isn't as good as Misery but is still pretty decent in its own right. What's genius about this movie isn't the storyline, but how the storyline is constructed. We go into it not knowing a whole lot about what's going on and finding out that even what we did know didn't exactly happen how we thought. Dolores Claiborne is accused of killing the rich lady that she had been a housekeeper for for the previous 20 years. Things about Dolores' past might indicate that she would be capable of it. Even her disturbed journalist daughter thinks she's capable of it. The only one in the movie who sees the whole picture is Dolores and it comes out piece by piece in the form of flashbacks that don't fully come together until the last flashback (by a different character) is seen. None of these characters are particularly likable, but you will root for them. Christopher Plummer as the lead homicide cop on the case really makes you want to kick him in the teeth. While there are tense moments and bits of unease and violence, this isn't the type of horror or thriller you expect from Stephen King. Just a good old fashioned drama with good acting.

STATE OF PLAY

It's said they don't make this type of movie much anymore in lue of the special effect blockbusters and raunchy comedies that permeate the theaters these days and it's a shame. There's something refreshing about watching a bunch of well known actors (Russell Crowe, Ben Affleck, Robin Wright Penn, Rachel McAdams, Helen Mirren) navigate a well written and directed dramatic thriller. Russell Crowe is the old school newspaper man who takes a blogger (another interesting kind of side theme to the movie, the death of the classic newspaper and the rise of internet news) under his wing to investigate a scandal involving Ben Affleck's congressman who just happens to be an old roommate and friend of his. It's interesting to watch him juggle going after the story while at the same time watching out for his buddy's interest. Despite the fact that this could have turned into a boring movie, there's an energy to it, an unease that permeates through the movie that keeps you glued to it, watching these people uncover bits and facts and try to put it all together and then the movie takes you where you didn't expect it to, using the relationships established before to put a twist on everything that went down earlier. (What a run on sentence that turned out to be). I really liked this
movie and it'd be nice to see more of it's ilk being put on screens nowadays.

Loch Ness Monster on Google Earth!

I know I mainly do the movie and TV thing on this insignificant blog o' mine, so this falls in the category of "other junk that amuses me".

Apparently, this dude (who, no joking, is The Security Guard of Nottingham) was surfing Google Earth and found a picture of the legendary Loch Ness Monster. Dun Dun Duuuuuhh!! Right off the bat, that sterling example of London News Journalism, The Sun, has proclaimed that after five trillion years Nessie has finally been found and all it took was some dude paying attention while surfing the Internet.

Now, I dont' know about you, but take a look at the picture below and all doubts are instantly erased! I mean, how can you not tell that's ye ol' Nessinator.

Nessie!

Honestly, though, I do have a pretty active imagination. One that would be thrilled if something like this came to light. Nessie, Yeti, Sasquatch (though I'm pretty sure I saw him shopping at the store I work at today), UFOs, Donkey Kong. The idea that these things could exist excites the inner Mulder in me.

But first and foremost, I am a healthy skeptic about all this. That movie fueled love of the unexplained is governed by another part of me; Mr. Logic. This is why I both love and hate the series MonsterQuest on the History channel. It teases you with cool things that may be revealed and only finds just enough maybe sorta signs that there is a slight possibility something neat is going on.

I gotta see proof. Actual scientists need to show me tangible evidence before I can fully drink the Bermuda Triangle kool-aid.

And I hardly think a picture of what could easily be a couple of young lovers enjoying an afternoon in a row boat found by Jeb Smith on his laptop constitutes tangible evidence.

So, until the next photo op with Nessie comes around, I'll just keep believing these things are part of a vivid imagination.

Warehouse 13

For those that don't know, Warehouse 13 is a show on The Sci-Fi Channel (I refuse to call it by its new name SyFy) about a place stocked with all the secret cool stuff the government has stashed away over the years and the agents in charge of finding anything weird and dangerous that needs to go there. Kinda like the place at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

My one sentence review: This is a fun show.

As far as I'm concerned, not every property dealing with a sci-fi or fantasy element has to make us look deep inside ourselves to find a bigger truth. Sometimes, a couple of actors having fun with their roles inside a world where nifty things happen is all I need.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not falling all over myself for this thing. Like a lot of series before it, it's taking a few episodes to find its footing. But I think it's getting there. The actors are growing more and more into their roles and beginning to jive really well with each other.

Not Mulder and Scully ripoffs. Yet.

There was a scene last week with Pete, the male lead, in a room by himself with an ancient Japanese sword and, thinking he's alone, he starts playing with it, doing the exaggerated Japanese Movie film dub voice as he has an imaginary sword fight. It was goofy and silly and something I don't see on other shows, but totally something I would do myself! Some probably find the scene an exercise in stupidity, I find it an exercise in awesome.

The stories are improving and becoming more enjoyable. I really dig the mixture of old tech and new (Steampunk, the younguns call it). I'm no scientist, but you kind of have to look past certain things that might stretch believability. I've seen people complain, wondering why these people would use these old timey looking pocket TV monitor dealies to talk to each other instead of cell phones like most modern advanced human beings do. Other than the fact that it looks neat, what is the point? the logical thinking fellow geek asks.

The monitor thingie is cool, as is Artie.

I say, “Who cares?” I find it a nice change of pace from all these shows that have fast moving characters in high pressured situations with their ears glued to a stupid cell phone. I see enough of that in real life.

All I want from this show is a mental break from the real world for an hour or so and that is what it delivers.

It's a fun show and that's all I ask.

Transformers : Revenge of the Fallen!

I know everyone is just dying to know what I thought of the new Transformers flick: Revenge of the fallen. Allow me to scratch that itch.

Let me set the scene as far as I personally am concerned. I loved the old Transformers cartoon when I was a wee lad, but I haven't seen them since then. I'm also pretty sure I once owned an Optimus Prime toy. I've gotten to be pretty far removed from those years, so any storylines or whatever from yesteryear I do not hold dear. As far as I remember, the cartoon was about a bunch of good robots led by Prime, who transformed into vehicles and fought a bunch of evil transforming robots led by Megatron and the movie keeps that idea going, so I'm okay with that.

So, let me start out with the bad.

THE BAD:

*Shaky cam. I've said it before, so allow me to repeat myself: I don't care for feeling like I'm in the "middle" of the action. I prefer to "watch" the action. So for crying out loud, pull the camera back a little! Michael Bay - watch some classic Spielberg action flick to see how it's done. Holy Crap! Spielberg was Executive Producer? Well, when the master is watching you work and you still pull that crap, maybe there's no help.

*Simplify the look of the robots. There's just too much going on with nuts, bolts and gears and crap. Too much for the eye to take in. The only way to tell which robot is what is what color they are. And I'm color blind.

*Shoulda cut out a bit of the Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum of gangsta autobots to concentrate on cooler autobots I could give a poop about.

*Trim some time off this thing. I had to pee really bad by the time the credits rolled.

THE GOOD:

*Turturro - I don't care how goofy John Turturro's Agent Simmons was in these two movies, the man made me laugh.

*Optimus vs. Several Decepticons in the forest. This is why Optimus is king.

*The humor is sometimes goofy, but it's what keeps these movies entertaining.

*LaBeof. He gets a lot of crap for being popular and in a lot of movies and it's true, he seems to play the same type of neurosis in all these movies, but it works for this one. I like him and his character and I won't apologize. So there.

*Flat out entertaining. There's a lot going on with this movie, and though there's a sequence here or there that could be trimmed, it keeps moving. A lot of action and humor and "Holy Crap that's cool" scenes rank it high on the entertainometer. Too me, that's the strongest point. You could nitpick this movie to shreds if you wanted to, but the entertainment factor overshadows. For me, it always does. Entertain me and I'm happy.

THE OVERRATED:

* Megan Fox. Okay, I'll give you that she ain't ugly, but c'mon. If it wasn't Michael By shooting her the way he does, she wouldn't make near the blip that she does. Besides, I would rather the return of the Aussie hacker gal from Part 1.

So all in all, I was quite entertained. This thing isn't gonna win any Oscars, but that's okay. It kept me in a good mood for 2 1/2 hours and you can't beat that. What can I say? Being easily entertained keeps me a happier movie goer.

10 Good Guys You Do Not Wanna Mess With

Here is a list of 10 characters I wouldn't wanna get on the bad side of. These are good guys. .

10. The Bride (Kill Bill): Never, never, NEVER tick off a woman. Especially one trained in the most ancient of martial arts and spends more time with her sword than actual humans. You could send 20 well trained ninjas at her and in five minutes limbs, eyeballs and buckets of blood would be flying everywhere and she would still be standing there staring at you even MORE pissed off. Several people have done evil things to her. They all have one thing in common: their body parts are scattered to the four winds.

Do you really wanna go out with her?

9. Sayid (Lost): Would you like to be tied to a tree and have your toenails ripped off? Then I would suggest not getting on the bad side of our man Sayid. In fact, if he wants info from you, I would highly recommend you just be up front with him. Because, unless you are a creepy balloon guy, you WILL end up talking to him. All he needs is a screwdriver and some pepper juice and you'll be trusting him with your deepest, darkest secrets.

Will gladly shatter your thumb with a coconut after morning coffee.

8. John Rambo (Rambo): I should have to say no more. Bad guys just read his name on report and melt with fear. Once, a Russian General refused to leave his house because someone told him that Rambo was in the next town carrying his bow and arrow and everyone knows that Rambo could put the eye out of a gnat at that range. Bad guys are rightly frightened to wander out into the jungle for fear that Rambo could leap out of a puddle of mud and decapitate them with that 10 foot knife of his.

Make fun of my age and I'll give you a war you won't believe.

7. Wolverine (X-Men): He's got a temper and indestructible claws come out of his hands. Who would wanna mess with that? And to add to that, if you hurt him, he heals right up. That leaves you with a pissed off killing machine that you really can't harm. I would wager that if you were a bad guy and you woke up in the middle of the night to find that muttonchop framed face grinning down at you, you would need to change your underwear.

He even sleeps in a bad mood.

6. Superman (Superman): He doesn't have much of a mean streak, but you should fear someone who could knock you to Pluto with a flick from his pinky. I myself would be scared to face a dude who has bullets bounce of his EYEBALL. Unless I had Kryptonite, of course, but we all know how rare that precious stone is (Unless you live in the town of Smallville, apparently). Just refrain from harming his girlfriend, Lois Lane. He has been known to reverse time by spinning the world backwards and a guy who can do that you should never piss off.

I love America. Oh, and apple pie!

5. Anyone Played By Samuel L. Jackson: The steel in his eyes. The righteous furor in his speeches. If you were to look the wrong way at any character played by the great Sam Jackson, he would likely call you a MF and shoot you between the eyes, then continue on his way with one arm around the shoulder of his lady friend. He can do it all: Philosophizing hit man, Jedi Master, bad to the bone private detective; he's the only man to go to if you find your flight infested by bloodthirsty snakes. And if you're the bad guy responsible for putting those reptiles on the plane, don't be surprised if you find yourself hanging out the window of the plane with a snake as your noose as Sam Jackson kung fu's the rest of the snakes off the plane.

Don't matter what movie I'm in, I will *blank* you up!

4. Martin Riggs (Lethal Weapon series): This guy is simply insane. What normal person would talk a guy out of jumping off a building by handcuffing himself to that person then jumping himself with the guy in tow? No sane person I know of, but for Riggs, it's a normal day at the office. This guy is willing to dislocate his shoulder just to make a few bucks off his buddy cops and then laugh about it. All in all, not a guy you would wanna make your enemy, but if you ever need a friend who'll sit with you while you're on the pot with a bomb ready to go off the moment you flush, you'll find no better.

Wanna go bowling?

3. Aragorn (Lord of the Rings): Don't be fooled by his calm exterior and polite manners, this guy is quite capable of tearing your face off if he felt the need. Sure, until he was crowned, he was content to play second fiddle to Gandalf, but once it was time to go into battle and kick butt, he turned it on. Watch out if you happen to be an orc who's foolish enough to challenge Aragorn (aka Strider), you may find yourself standing in a pool of your own blood as your head rolls down a hill knocking other useless orcs down like mere bowling pins.

Some of my best friends are Hobbits. What of it?

2. Obi-Wan Kenobi (The Star Wars Saga): Jedi Knight who is fond of throwing down wise sayings as if they come second nature to him. Listen closely to these catchphrases, you may be able to unlock the secrets of whuppin' butt. This is a guy who will chop his buddy's legs off and let him take a lava bath for something simple as turning absolutely evil. He chopped another Sith Lord COMPLETELY IN HALF and is on record as having chopped at least too low-lives' arms off. Bottom line, mess with Obi-Wan Kenobi and you will likely end up dismembered in some painful way.

This geek put me in a top 10 list. Most charming.

1. Jack Bauer (24): I've only seen the first four and a half seasons of 24, but that's more than enough to know that I'm dealing with one cold blooded kicker of butts here. We're talking about a guy who will calmly feed you your brains after you literally torture him to death (Death can't stop Jack). His only concern is the safety of the USA and if you get in the way of that, prepare to be reduced to a bloodstain on the bottom of his patriotic boot. All I know is every January when you turn it on Fox and you see the commercials saying "Jack is Back", it's clear that some unsuspecting terrorist sap will be no more than a rotting carcass by June. The only weakness that he seems to have is his perplexing loyalty to that annoying, spoiled rotten ungrateful daughter of his, Kim.

I will eat your eyeballs and crap them down your throat to stop a terrorist.

First Ever Blog! Yippie Ki Yay!

Well, here goes. I've entered the blogosphere. What can this possibly mean? I've discovered new ways to improve your lives? That my genius ideas can no longer be contained inside my monstrous brain?

Nope.

Just means I've found yet another way to waste my time! ("Yay!" says my wife as the living room lights remain unchanged.)

I like movies, a bit of TV and reading here and there. And I would love nothing more than to bore you to tears with my whip smart observations on that which I have recently observed.

So, feel free to read and please take any and every opportunity to blast my opinions into smithereens!

(Assuming anyone is reading, that is)